


I Still Feel For You

by tarjas_reign



Category: Nightwish, Tarja Turunen - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 09:17:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4741022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarjas_reign/pseuds/tarjas_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>August 17th, 2006</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Still Feel For You

When Tuomas woke up in the morning he already had the sad and empty feeling he knew just all too well. It had been a part of his everyday life for almost a year now and he couldn't get rid of it. On some days he could distract himself from his sorrow, but he knew that it would still take a long time until he would be able to move on... if he actually ever could. Almost one year had passed since he had made the biggest mistake of his life and he had never expected that he would suffer that much from the consequences of his decision.  
Almost one year ago, on Friday the 21st October 2005, he had given Tarja the letter that had turned his whole life upside down.  
He missed her like hell and he cursed himself everyday for what he had done.  
After the letter had been published, Tuomas had been hunted by the media, had given interviews and statements about the separation of his former singer and had told them lies about her and the band in a desperate attempt to hide his real feelings; the feelings he always had had for her, since they had met for the very first time.  
If he only hadn't been such a coward... but it was too late. They hadn't talked to each other for months and Tarja - apparently still happy with Marcelo - had started to concentrate on her solo career. 

Frustrated, Tuomas made his way into the living room and like every day he remained standing in front of his shelf. The photo of him and Tarja had been standing there for years and even after everything that had happened, Tuomas had never been able to put it away. In the photo Tarja and he were both smiling while he was wrapping his arms around her.   
Standing in front of the shelf and looking at Tarja's beautiful smile, Tuomas felt tears welling up in his eyes. He had thought he would feel better after the split, but that definitely wasn't the case; he felt awful and there was no day when he wasn't thinking about her and the life he had lost. He had thought that he would stop feeling for her when they wouldn't see each other anymore, but now he knew that he could never stop loving her.   
Deep in thoughts, Tuomas reached out his fingers and carefully touched Tarja's face in the picture. He knew that he had lost her forever but it was the fact that it was his own fault that hurt most. If only he could change the past, if only he could get her back... But he had had his chance - and had missed it.   
Tuomas sighed and pulled his hand back from the photo. He knew that he finaly had to let go but he couldn't. Tarja was the love of his life and that would never change. 

With a painful expression on his face Tuomas walked through his empty apartment, unmotivated and depressed. He hadn't left the house for what felt like an eternity; his friends kept trying to cheer him up and make him go out but Tuomas rather stayed alone. He was about to went to the kitchen to get himself something to eat - even though he wasn't really hungry - when his look grazed the calendar on the wall. He hadn't looked at it for several days since the exact date didn't matter to him at all, and so he gasped in shock when he realized what day it was.   
In the moment Tuomas saw the little 17 in the calendar, his heart seemed to miss a beat and suddenly he felt so much pain welling up inside him. It was the first time in ten years that they wouldn't celebrate Tarja's birthday together with the band and Tuomas was wondering what she would be doing instead. She probably spent her day with Marcelo. At that thought a picture of Tarja and her husband sharing a passionate kiss forced itself into Tuomas' mind and he just couldn't push it away. Tarja definitely wouldn't miss him or the other band members and Tuomas felt embarrassed for that he had even wondered about that for a moment. Tired and sad Tuomas leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. All his pain was suddenly overwhelming him and he couldn't take it any longer. Silent tears streamed down his face while more and more pictures started to appear in his head. Pictures of Tarja in the night he had asked her to join his band; pictures of her singing on stage; pictures of her traveling around with him and the guys. Tuomas had so many beautiful memories about her but the sad ones followed instantly: Tarja and Marcelo kissing backstage after a concert; Tarja and Marcelo announcing their engagement; Tarja and Marcelo in front of the altar. The day of the wedding had been one of the hardest in Tuomas' life. Watching the woman he loved marrying someone else had been an extremely painful experience and Tuomas still remembered every moment of that day. And after that, everything had went down the drain and his condition had gotten worse and worse until Tuomas hadn't been able to take it anymore and had fired Tarja from the band.   
Back then he had been sure that there had been no other option, but now he knew how wrong he had been. He should have talked to her, should have told her the truth. Of course, it wouldn't have changed anything about Tarja being married, but at least she would have known how much she was loved.   
Slowly, Tuomas slid down the wall to the ground and buried his face on his knees. If only he could see her once again, just tell her the truth... the thought that Tarja hated him for what he had done, hurt him so deeply and in that moment he wished nothing more than to tell her how sorry he was. 

Suddenly, Tuomas was snapped out of his thoughts by his phone. Slowly he stood up from the ground, reached for the ringing phone and answered the call. "Hey Tuomas, it's me, Emppu. How are you?" Tuomas frowned. Somehow Emppu always knew when he was feeling bad. "I'm fine...", he lied, hoping that Emppu wouldn't notice his trembling voice. "Okay... I just wanted to make sure that you don't do anything stupid." "What do you mean? What do you think I'm doing exept sitting around as always?" Emppu remained silent for a moment before he answered. "I don't know... I just thought... It's Tarja's birthday, you know, so..." Tuomas bit his lip. Of course be knew that, and it destroyed him not to be with her on this special day. "Tuomas? Are you still there?" "Yes. Listen Emppu, I don't know what you expected but I'm not in the mood to do anything audacious today." "Good. Because if you thought about showing up at her house and declaring your love to her -" Tuomas gasped. "Tarja is back in Finland!?" Why had nobody told him about this? "Yes she is, didn't you know that?" Tuomas shoke his head, overwhelmed by this new information and completely forgetting that Emppu couldn't see him. But he seemed to understand him anyway. "Okay Tuomas, promise me that you won't show up there!" Tuomas swallowed. Suddenly he couldn't think of anything else than that Tarja was back in town. What if he really visited her? How would she react to that? "Tuomas, promise it!" Emppu demanded. "I - I can't. Emppu, I have to see her!" Emppu sighed. "That's a bad idea Tuomas! She is here with Marcelo and they both probably hate you. You can't do this!" But Tuomas didn't even listen to him. Suddenly inspired by this last glimmer of hope he put his phone away without even ending the call, slipped into his jacket and stormed out of the house. He didn't even know why he was doing this. Of course Emppu was right, this was a horrible idea but Tuomas at least had to try it. He also knew that it would probably only makes him feel worse if he'd see Tarja again but he didn't care about it. 

He didn't even have to think about the right way, he still knew it by heart. After about 15 minutes he reached Tarja's house, completely out of air and nervous like hell. Here he was, standing in Tarja's front yard and was about to ring the doorbell. Tuomas had no idea what to say to her and a part of him even hoped that she wouldn't be there but on the other side he couldn't wait to see her. He had missed her so much during the last year, had missed everything about her: Her beautiful smile when she was happy; her contagious laugh when someone had made a joke; her enchanting eyes in which Tuomas had been drowning so many times... and now he would finaly see her again, hear her voice and he couldn't wait any longer. With beating heart and trembling fingers he finaly rang the bell.

For a while nothing happened. The house stayed calm and Tuomas felt relieved and dissapointed at once. He had put so much hope into this visit, even though he knew how stupid it was and now it seemed that Tarja wasn't there. He was just about to turn around and leave again, when he saw a shadow approaching the door from inside. But when the door was opened, it wasn't Tarja who looked at him coldly. "What the hell are you doing here, Holopainen?", Marcelo hissed, and glared at Tuomas angrily. Tuomas sighed frustrated. He was so close to her, and now this guy stood in his way. "I want to talk to Tarja.", he stated and tried to stay as calm as possible. But Marcelo only looked at him contemptuously. "But I doubt that she wants to talk to you. Remember the last time, you talked to her? You destroyed her life, so stay away from her!" "But I really need to talk to her, it's important!" Marcelo laughed. "Yeah, you know what? I don't care. Fuck off!" Tuomas couldn't believe it. Tarja was here and he couldn't get to her; it was frustrating and humiliating. But suddenly, he heard another voice from inside the house - an all too familiar voice which made his heart racing in his chest. "Who's there, Marcelo?" Then, Tarja appeared in the doorway. For a moment Tuomas forgot everything around him. Tarja looked more beautiful than ever and seeing the pretty smile on her face was everything he needed to be happy. But that smile disappeared in the moment she spotted Tuomas and was replaced not by an angry but an extremely sad expression. "What are you doing here, Tuomas?", she asked, here voice calm and soft. Tuomas cleared his throat and tried to ignore his nervousness. "I - I wanted to talk to you, Tarja.", he mumbled, hardly trying not to look into her shining green eyes. Tarja looked at Marcelo, who rolled his eyes and went back into the house. Tarja stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind her. "So...? Why would you want to talk to me?" She looked at him expectantly but Tuomas could also see the hurt expression in her eyes. He swallowed and took a deep breath. "Happy Birthday Tarja. I know, we haven't talked for ages, but I want you to know that I didn't forget you..." He paused when he saw the tears in her eyes. "You remembered my birthday?", she wispered and all of a sudden Tuomas only wanted to pull her in his arms and kiss her. But he forced himself to calm down and just nodded slowly. "Of course I did, I could never forget your birthday! As well as I could never forget you...", he added, "I miss you so much, Tarja." Now the tears were running over her face and she didn't even bother to wipe them away. She just cried silently till Tuomas gathered all his courage and carefully wrapped his arms around her. "I miss you too", she said, still crying and rested her head on his shoulder. Unsure what to do, Tuomas gently stroked her hair and pulled her closer. "It's okay, I'm here.", he mumbled and tried to calm her down. "And I am so sorry for everything, I never wanted to hurt you! I hated do do all this to you Tarja, I love you and I never wanted to see you suffer like that." At these words Tarja freed herself from his embrace and Tuomas' heart sank. He was sure that he had screwed up everything by telling her this; after this she'd probably never be able to be friends with him again and also she was married! But Tarja only looked at him questioning. "Why did you never tell me that, Tuo?" At the mention of his nickname, Tuomas felt a shiver running down his spine. At least she didn't seem to be angry at him. "You know me Tarja, I never had the courage to tell you... but I always loved you while you were still a part of the band and nothing changed about that!" Finaly it was out. He had finaly told her the truth and he felt better than ever before. And his mood even improved, when Tarja wrapped her arms around him again and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I've been waiting for you my entire life!", she wispered and smiled at him joyfully. Tuomas couldn't believe it. He had expected a lot; Tarja screaming at him, Tarja telling him to leave, Tarja throwing things at him - but not this. Had she really just said that - "I love you, Tuomas." Barely believing his luck, Tuomas pulled her closer and kissed her, more than glad that he finaly had her back and still overwhelmed by her words.   
"Happy Birthday Tarja.", he wispered again, holding her in his arms and feeling like the happiest man on earth.


End file.
